Lately I have been so caught up in living the moments I haven’t been updating my blog in a timely manner. I’d say that is a fabulous problem to have.
Sunset, as one child said, when I pointed it out to her, “It looks like cotton candy.” Up until this moment my picture for the day was the struggle my Mom and I had to reclaim our front garden, an utter disaster. This was a better moment, one captured while a young girl showed off her new confidence riding without training wheels, barreling down the street, deftly maneuvering through speedbumps, and displaying a look of utter concentration and fierce joy. Showcased above it all was this magnificence. It was a grand day.
I find myself struggling with my depression in a different way now. I’m vastly happier, surrounded by love and laughter, joyous souls. I’m a social animal, a hopeless romantic so this makes sense. This makes the bleakness all the more apparent now. What I’m seeing too, though, is the senselessness of this affliction. I can get up and go here, I can move out the door and help out in the garden, but the dishes, or even the thought of taking a shower somedays is just an insurmountable obstacle. I’m beginning to understand why, but I don’t know what to do about it.
When I’m over and having moments like these bike moments I’m not thinking, I’m just doing. My brain moves of its own accord. I see what needs to be done and it does it. I see a mess in the kitchen, I clean it. I see it is meal time, I pitch in and help cook. When there are five amazing kiddos running around there is always something to occupy your attention. But back here at home, I can only see the numerous steps to something. I need to shower…ugh, so first I have to get my stuff, then shave, to do that I have to get the water hot, lather up, and then there is always those few spots which take forever to shorn, then finally into the shower. Hair, wash. Hair, rinse. Hair, condition. Body, wash…ugh…face wash…now to rinse…is there still conditioner in my hair? Soap in my ears? Time to dry off. Behind my knees still wet, the small of my back never seems to meet the towel. All of this runs through my mind before I’m ever even out of bed and I hate the shower, roll over and surrender to sleep once more hating myself for this.
But then there is this sunset and this bike ride and this little girl reminding me that if I hadn’t fixed her chain that day she would not have been able to practice and ride with confidence. And I look skyward and forget about the struggles I have elsewhere and know I will be alright. #TheWorldISee